September 28, 2011

My Wedding Day

A contorted perception of reality,  passionate impulsiveness and an unshakable confidence that it will all work out in the end often cause me to blissfully ignore logic and make decisions based on a hopeful projection of the future where I am the hero of the moment, spotlight shining on me and everyone applauding me.
At times like this I forget everything –  all my previous catastrophes deluding myself once again that it will end like perfectly imagined.

Now such decisions in daily life – choosing clothes, going on picnics seems fine, but when this blind optimism takes over my mind on important days, say, such as my WEDDING DAY, its then and only then do I finally learn my lesson.

This is the story of my wedding day..



In an impetuous moment , intoxicated by the romance of   planning a wedding , The Husband and I decided that we must write our own wedding Vows. No, Sire!! no cliché of promises for us, we would do our own thing….

As the wedding day drew close, I was sucked into a whirlwind of celebrations, parties and I boogied, and dawdled and boondoggled and lollygagged until the day of the wedding.

And so it came to pass that on the day of my wedding instead on blissfully catching up on my beauty sleep, I started writing my vows at 1.00 a.m. Overcome by extreme sleep and intense excitement , my torrent of thoughts resulted in a mere trickle of words. I had writers block and I had it bad.

With sudden panic I remembered that husband-to-be was a genius writer and that my vows had to be better than his.. This simple thought was enough fuel to surge together all my creative powers and within no time, I had before me the best wedding vows ever written in the history of wedding vows.

But by then I was reduced to a helpless passenger in my sleep-deprived body and instead of memorizing my vows like a perfect bride to be, I once again deluded myself into believing that all my super human brain had to do was read it once and I would be able to recite it. Thus having calmed my mind into a state of rapturous bliss I headed to bed.

As I headed to church that morning, I was confident, I had read my vows and I would now recite it like a Shakespearean sonnet drenched in emotions and dripping with love.

But this was not to be… Reality, like a snake emerging from hood, bit me a hard…

I floated down the aisle and listened misty eyed as the Husband read me his sonnet of vows.

It was my turn but to my utter disbelief I blanked out.


I decided to read out the vows

Halfway through i realised that like the Husband I too must look into his eyes

I looked at him

I looked down and missed the line I was reading…. Where was I?


I could not find the line… so quickly picked a random line and read again… and reached the end.

Then I suddenly realized that I missed a vital  line saying that I take him as my Husband…

I started the vows again.. eyes darting up and down.. like clockwork..every second.

It was long and left many people confused about what was I saying, but I finally got through my Vows…..

.

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July 12, 2010

Picnics are fun…

Careful scrutinazation of my life has led to repeatedly discover that I am very adept at making the wrong decisions in life. When presented with two choices, I am inevitable drawn to the one that I will not only end in utter chaos but at many times lead to self humiliation of unimaginable heights



This weekend, I was given a choice to either rest at home or idle away a long weekend – saturday, sunday and monday in blissful laziness or either join an office “family picnic”. Now an important point for you to remember that I had just joined this new office a few weeks ago and being completely immersed in work, I did not get a chance to meet a lot of peole. So I presumed that this would be a perfect opportunity for me to meet with new people at office

I was excited,

In fact, I was beyond excited.

I spent the entire week with far fetched fantasies about how I would make new friends, show them my awesome sense of humor and make them love me. I wanted to hog all of the limelight and even refused to take Husband for the family picnic…


Blinded by this blazing inferno of excitement, my mind refused to acknowledge all the seeming probabilities- maybe everyone would be spending time with their own families, that people hang in groups and newbies are not easily welcome into 5 year old clicks.

But the reality was more horrid than any other possibility my mind could have conjured up.

The decided morning… I woke up fresh and bright and boarded the bus for the ‘family office  picnic.’

Five minutes into the bus ride I realized that I was ALONE at a family picnic, no one I knew was there and that nobody really cared about me.

So began my extremely lonely bus ride, my lonely breakfast and lonely swim in the family pool

My low point finally came, when i saw a group of people wondering who I was, whether part of staff or staff’s family.

Towards late afternoon I had enough and decided I had to take matters into my own hands, so I walked upto a group, introduced myself. Within minutes I realized that this was exactly what I needed.  My dream was finally going to come true.

They were talking to me.

Laughing at my joke

And Loving Me.

I spent the rest of the evening with them, posed for group pictures and then through a series of conversations I suddenly realized I was hanging with the wrong group. This was another office picnic. See there was another company picnicking at the same resort and I had accidentally wandered into their camp.

To top it all, nobody from my original picnic noticed that I was missing.This was it. I spent the rest of the picnic, calling up friends, relatives, anyone who would talk to me and help me pass time

Four hours later, I returned home and decided to seek adulation through my blog instead.

Love me People!

June 19, 2010

The perfect Cup of Tea

One lovely weekend,

I got an invite from a friend

She said, ‘Lets will have tea’

I said, ‘Lucky me!”

And so began my plans for the weekend

We decided to meet at her place

I agreed, you see I was In a daze

I should have insisted on a café coffee day

The decision was made and now I had to pay

So came the morn of our meeting

I had and eerie spooky feeling

We met, we spoke

She offered me tea and into a sweat I broke

I said yes

How could I not, I was her guest

She went into the kitchen and brewed and brewed

And when she returned, I knew I was screwed

It was Brown, it had neither aroma nor any flavor

There was nothing in it for me to savour

With scary particles floating in it

It tasted like MUD a bit

Oh My God, the horrid Taste,

I gulped it down in a haste

And gave a tiny yelp

And prayed for God to send me some help

After a while, her Mum arrived

A breath of relief I sighed

She saw the anguish written all over me

And offered another cup of tea

I  said yes

How could I not, I was a guest


So, She went into the kitchen and brewed and brewed

And when she returned, I knew I was screwed

It had no colour,and a horrid flavour, icky

Thick, smelly and even a little sticky

I have had better sugar water in a cup

Yes… Yuck

I knew then I had to flee

From the house that made the worst tea….

May 14, 2010

The Perfect Office Cubicle

The Perfect Cubicle

May 7, 2010

Slow Death…

Slow Death…

PRELUDE:

For some unfathomable reason, the husband did not place his regular order for water which meant that there was not a drop of drinking water in the house.

I was quite brave ( and non-naggy) about it and managed quite well and then I got really thirst… and I almost died.. and then I got alive.. Confused??? Read on..

___________________

LIFE:

This is me, rather subdued and extremely thirsty resting till maybe husband came home and got me some water

Note: No sign of husband

____________________

This is me after ten minutes going crazy with thirst. I am starting to think that I may die of thirst and husband will return from office to find my dead body with bruises and cuts all over and he will wonder who killed me, but then will realise that I was just cutting my body to drink some of my blood.

Note: Still no sign from husband

____________________

DEATH

This is me barely breathing and slowly dying of thirst

This is husband who has returned from work and settled with an apple and a remote not realising that his wife on the sofa is DYING  beside him

____________________

This is me on my last breath, crawling to the toilet to get myself my last glass of water while still alive

This is husband enjoying his apple and TV

___________________


This is me coming back to life after drinking questionable water

________________

AFTERLIFE


The husband presumably finished watching TV and asked for a glass of water.

Apparently he did not think it important to tell me that there was water in the fridge.


Aargh!!!!!!!!



April 28, 2010

The Chocolate Wheel That Stalked Me…

How can a simple craving for chocolate lead to self humiliation ?

A party invite. A 4 year old’s birthday that husband and me were invited to. Realizing that I had not eaten any chocolate the past week my sole objective for the evening turned to getting a taste chocolate cake that I was sure would be there to satisfy my craving tooth. But parents of four-year old don’t order cakes keeping my cravings in mind and the cake in question turned out to be a red fruit cake shaped like a car. After ten seconds of reeling in  disappointment, I noticed the wheels of the car cake. CHOCOLATE!!!! I decided, that somehow I was going to jump through the hoard of kids and snatch a chocolate wheel for myself.

I put my plan into action, after cake was cut and I boldly walked to my hosts and asked for a wheel. They stared at me for a while, then at the twenty kids clamoring for the wheel and decided to give the wheel to me.

Deaf to the screams of kids and blind to angry stares from parents, I choose  a dark corner to devour my booty.  Almost drooling with anticipation I took my first bite AND SPAT IT OUT!!!. This was not Chocolate  but brown colored mud-tasting wheel. I knew straightaway that I was stuck.. I could not eat any of it neither could I throw it way.

But not one to easily give up I decided to dump it on one of the poor unsuspecting kids. See, I believe that kids don’t really have a mature sense of taste and as long its brown they would not notice it tasted like mud. Heck! they may even enjoy if more because of its resemblance to mud. My conscience appeased I went to some snotty kid  and gave him my plate.  Completely content with myself I decided  to tell the husband about the genius he married.. when tap on my shoulder…….

I turned around.

The mother of the kid stood with the chocolate-impersonating-mud-wheel in her hands apologising for her son who might have grabbed it from sweet ol’ me when I was not looking. No, she did not accept if when I benevolently offered her to keep the wheel

I needed a new plan…..

I left it in a dark corner. But it was traced back to me within minutes.

I “accidentally ” dropped the cake… but it was picked up, promptly dusted and offered back to me.  Now I was stuck with the wheel that not only tasted like mud but I am sure was covered in urban home mud.

I needed a plan and ASAP. Dinner was about to be served and I was still holding my wheel. 

I decided to hide the loathsome wheel in the hosts fridge. They would not open it all evening and when they did… sweet surprise a chocolate (or mud) wheel for them.

and the plan worked

Up until I was about to leave , when the hostess ran after me holding the wheel that she thought I had forgotten in the fridge. ” Take it home with you” she sweetly offered.  By then a small part of me died inside and I gave up.

The  now-crumbling-with-dryness-but-still-tastes-like-mud-wheel is giving me company as I write this post.

Anyone hungry?

April 19, 2010

The Weekend That Never Was





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April 15, 2010

Outcasts….

Have you ever been invited to a party and not known where or which group to sit with?
Have you ever been to a mall and seen people snarling at you and you wonder what did you do to piss them off?
Have you ever just taken a stroll and seen old ladies look at you with pity till  you feel sorry for yourself?

When one of these happens to you  – It’s a bad day…
When all three happen to you – It’s a wretched life…

And this is my story..

We have not killed anyone…

We have not robbed a  bank….

Our  only Crime – Not having a baby within the first year of  marriage

Punishment  – Social Ostracism and random stone pelting

It started slowly.. questions about “Good news”. We laughed at them. Ignored them. Now they ignore us. We are have been ostracized. At social get-togethers, at family functions, at malls.

An innocent invite to a party and the house is filled with shrieks of my Melodramatic Crying and Melodramatic praying by the husband. There is no escape from the prying questions. No reason good enough to satisfy. Regular readers of this blog will agree that any child bought up by me at this stage has  a strong chance of growing up to be criminally insane. But to the probers.. a kid..any kind will do.


I present to you a look into our lives

Invite for the party arrives

At the party

Now at every family function that we go now, as soon as you enter you are divided into groups

Group 1 – The Smug Married with Kids

This group huddles into a corner, changing nappies, discussing wonder stories about what their kid said today and the miraculous things they never ate but still pooped. You can never enter this group unless you have a baby and once you enter.. you can never exit – We  don’t belong here

Group 2 the Cool Happily Unmarrieds

Now this extremely cool group ranging from teens to twenty somethings gather in another corner to discuss things matters completely alien to us.. the magic of Justin Bieber and his kinds – They don’t want us here

Social failures – this is what the husband and me look like at these functions


Anger and Pity at the Mall

At a trip to our friendly neighborhood mall, all we did was smile at a baby.. the next minute its  parents snarled at us.. Baring their teeth asking us if we were laughing at them.  “No, No” , we emphasized but they said, ”  Go get our own kids to smile at and make you happy you evil child-starers.”

Old ladies at the mall look at us with eyes filled with pity asking us what makes us happy without babies in our life. Weekend Television Binges is not an acceptable answer to that question



So now here we are standing strong in the midst of all these questions. Sometimes I wonder If we got a baby Orangutan would people let us be. I agree that an Orangutan is a drastic measure and definitely not a  baby.. but with some clever accessories am sure it could pass a one.  You have to admit.. there is a slight resemblance which may just work in my favor. Because the last thing I want is a future conversation with my kids to be like this:-

Child: Sweet Mother, why did you decide to have us?

Me: Oh, No My darling.. we  did not want to have you for a while. We were pressured into having you

Child: That’s so Nice Mother

April 13, 2010

The Simple Guide to Understanding The Man You Love

Lets Confess Ladies..

Have you ever asked yourself.. “Why Oh Why???, I am  distraught with confusion!!!”..” Does he really love me.?.. Why is he still with me?”

Well fear no more.. I have a simple quiz for you to help understand your man better, who is he? and why is he really with you?

Question : When you catch him staring at you, he is…

a) Looking at you with moist eyes brimming with love

b) Rubbing his belly and salivating with drool all over him

c) Staring back at you with scientific precision

Question : When you are lip locked in a passion, does he…

a) Kiss you and look at you with moist eyes still brimming with love

b) Try to get a bite of your lips, your tongue or any other part of you

c) Get a flashlight to examine the color of your throat

Question : When you wake in the morning after a romantic night … he is

a) Looking at you with moist eyes that continue to brim with love

b) Smearing tandoori chicken marinade all over you

c) Holding your kidney in his hands and frantically trying to sow you up

Question : He usually gifts you..

a) Roses and chocolates, all the while looking at you with moist eyes that are still brimming with love

b) Almonds and raisins to fatten you up

c) Miniature UFO’s

Question : How do you describe him to your girlfriends….

a) Handsome with  moist eyes forever brimming with love

b) Handsome but always carries a knife, fork and book on cannibal recipes when you are around

c) Handsome, Green with a long claws

RESULTS

Maximum A’s – Congrats you lucky girl, your man really loves you. P.S. he also has a rather serious eye infection

Maximum B’s – You need to take care. Your man is with you only because he wants to eat you

Maximum C’s – Well.. your man is not so much a (hu)man but an alien sent to experiment on you

But on a more serious note.. Ladies, your man is with you because he loves you.

If he wanted to leave you , he would have.

If he was in love with the hot bhabhi next door, he would have left you.

So love him and remember he loves you back

P.S. The illustration is a Lakshmi ( luckee) orignial







April 11, 2010

How the world lost a great artist because of a duck….

A disillusioned artist… that is what I am and to think that my own family did this to me. Here is my story.


Once upon a time, there lived a little girl
With poker straight hair, not a single curl
She loved to draw and sometimes to paint
This story is true, false it ain’t
Crayons were pretty , they even tasted good
Yes, sometimes she ate colours for food

Then one day, the king announced a competition
Her mother found  she had a new mission
They  made the little girl participate
How that day changed her fate
She could have been a Picasso or Vincent Van Gogh
Made lots and lots and lots of dough
but now instead she writes this blog
and money.. well sob!! sob!! 😦

On the day of the competition , they asked her to draw a duck
OH MY!! she was out of luck
All her life she lived in the city
Had never seen a duck, what a pity
So instead she decided to doodle
and drew her neighbours poodle
but the trauma of watching the other kids draw..
that wound is still raw
they sneered at her.. and some even threw stones
and on her head emptied ice-cream cones

From that day forth no matter how much she tries
every painting is soreness to the eye
But she vows to continue to paint
and will show you her masterpieces if you promise not to faint
–  Lakshmi Datta Arun